quitecloudy

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 04:10:11 GMT

FUCK i need to be doing homework. Ive been so freaking busy, the second wave of midterms is approaching next week so basically i want to kill myself. I HATE SCHOOL. I was watching Gilmore girls today, and she dropped out of Yale. Who says I cant drop out? Rory did. I couldn't though. I would waste so much of my parents money I wouldnt be able to look at myself if I dropped out and did that to them. So basically im stuck in this sucky life for two and half more years. Yay me.

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 04:53:55 GMT

So I just registered to vote. I feel so political.

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 04:12:13 GMT

Ok so Im starting to think I am actually sick-sick opposed to hungry-sick. I'm getting clammy. This will not end well.

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 03:50:24 GMT

Omg my stomache hurts soooo bad. I want to eat something to make it feel better, but I did so good today I don't want to ruin it! But I feel like I am about to throw up! I'm so conflicted.

Wed, 01 Oct 2008 02:33:57 GMT

I am resisting SO much food right now. I wish I didn't have taste buds.

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 18:52:20 GMT

I have $7 freaking dollars in my account!!!! SEVEN!! I neeeeddd mooonnneeeyyy!

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 14:01:14 GMT

I am going insane. I can't sleep. I can't focus. All I think about is food. I just tried to do my stats homework, and I was just staring at the numbers, and it would not make sense in my brain, I finally had to put it away because it was getting so overwhelming, maybe my friend will let me copy hers.

I am drowning, I am drowning and theres nothing I can do to break the surface. I can't study because I can't focus and then I keep thinking about how I haven't studied, and it overwhelms me and stresses me out, and I know people would just tell me to just read some pages in my text book, but I CANT MAKE SENSE OF THE WORDS. I just got back from a test that i tried to study for, I could barely take the damn test because I couldn't concentrate on the questions, I didn't even know what the majority of them were asking! I think this is freaking me out more than normal because I've always been a good student, I'm in the university honors program, which is ALOT more hardcore than the honors society in high school. School is my thing, I've always been able to make good grades effortlessly. Last year I made the Dean's list. WHAT THE HELL. Now I can't even do my homework! I want to rip my hair out.

I need to take a semester off, but it's depressing because I know that isn't even an option. High school was so much easier than this. I miss it. Everything was so simple. I still have over 2 and a half years. Then what? Then I get a job. I'm not ready for this, I don't want this.

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 03:20:08 GMT

Ok so I'm watching that Man and Wife show on MTV. Fucking hilarious.

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 22:55:48 GMT

Sweet. I just added a new group, hopefully I will have some people to talk to now.

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 22:30:57 GMT

I hate myself. Ive been trying so hard to be good. I have practically shut myself in my room for the past couple of weeks just to avoid going in the kitchen. I hate eating. I hate being bloated. I hate having my period. I mean, I know my will power is a always a little weak during my period, just like it is for everyone, but I hate it so much I want to cry. I just want to sleep my days away and waste away but I can't. I physically can't sleep. And because I can't sleep I'm exhausted ALL THE TIME. I barely have any energy to get out of bed, I can't even excersize. Why do I even exist, all I do is take up space. I feel like my parents are wasting money on me sending me to school. I seriously can't take it, I just want to scream, I feel like crying at every minute of every day.

This wouldn't be so bad if I had a boyfriend, or a best friend. I just wish I had somebody.

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 22:08:15 GMT

ok. MAJOR bump,

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 20:29:28 GMT

Damn it. My two day fast has hit a minor bump.

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 18:13:18 GMT

FUCK. My roommate just told me shes ordering pizza tonight. FuckFuckFuckFuck.

I have few weaknesses. Pizza, Chinese food, and Panera. Damnit.

I don't know if it is obvious that I am constantly posting because I am trying to distract myself.

I just got back from class, and in 45 minutes I am off to my last class of the day, and I will get back by 430 so by then I will be at 20 HOURS!! This is why I need friends on livejournal. I need some excuses on why not to eat the pizza. Stomache hurts? Low on cash? I noticed the most important thing about making excuses believable is to only throw out one or two at a time. Never more because then it looks like your desperately trying to convince the person. I am starting to get worried that those two excuses I use all the time are going to get old. That it will be obvious that I am avoiding food. Aghh. Whatever. My roommate is too self absorbed to notice anything going on around her, her only focus is herself. She probably wouldn't know I was anorexic unless I told her point blank, even if I was skeletal. Which I hope becomes a reality by Christmas.

Anyway, so I baked this awesome dessert last night, I always made it when I was in high school, and I really want my roommate to eat and tell me if she likes it, but I know for a fact I messed up on one of the ingredients. I want to try it just to make sure it tastes the way its supposed to, but I don't want to break my fast. I guess I can take a little bite and spit it back out. I'm home alone so no one will know. I'm just afraid that if I take a bite with the intentions of spitting it out, that I won't follow through and might end up eating a few bites. I just binged this weekend (hence the fast) so I don't know if my willpower has recovered enough. Decisions, decisions.

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 16:24:45 GMT

I need to make some friends on here. I also need to go to class.

YAY 16 HOURRSSSSS

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 14:43:20 GMT

Two words: Fucking period.

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 04:12:26 GMT

Damn. ok so I definitely was not in control this weekend. I ate a freaking cheeseburger and onion rings on friday, However, that was all I ate, still not good though. Then saturday I just ate alot of small stuff ALL DAY. It's like my body was not listening to my mind! I cant even remember everything I ate. I drank half a frap, had a few cookies, picked at a salad, took a few sips of goulash, a few bites of bread, cereal, peanut butter and jelly, and pretzels. Damn. Damn. Damn.

Today I was better though. I had half a frap which is about 100 calories since I only had half, then one of those sugar cookies at harris teeter (even the strictest anorexic can't resist those bad boys), and then I had some hamburger helper my roommate made, but I purged all of that up right after I ate it. I cant think of anything else I ate so that must be it.

I think I am going to have a two day fast. I started my period today so that is screwing me over. That and my two day binge, damnit.

I wonder how much weight I have to lose for people to start noticing. I do things that are obvious to me, but sometimes I don't understand how other people don't notice. For instance, I don't remember the last time I ate in front of my roommate, but I see her eat bojangles and cookout all the damn time. My mom took me grocery shopping and loaded up on beef broth, and she looked at me questioningly and all i told her was that I make home made ramen. This weekend she even said she noticed that I had lost a little weight, and that I looked really good. I can NOT wait for that to come back and bite her in the ass.

Dont get me wrong, i LOVE my mom, she is one of my best friends, but honestly shes a little harsh when it comes to appearances. For example, never lets me leave the house without lip gloss, always critiquing my outfit, hair, and make up, etc. I dont think I will ever be able to fully impress her. If she likes my hair, then my make up is too dark, if my make up is just right, my outfit doesn't match. Blah blah blah. It can take a toll on someones self esteem.

Oh well that is enough for now. TWO DAY FAST STARTING TOMORROW. we will see how this goes.

Fri, 26 Sep 2008 03:24:04 GMT

Ok so today I was supposed to fast but I had to go to this dinner thing with a professor from Columbia. It was cool, everyone talked politics, I was kinda a fly on the wall because I didn't have too much input. But anyways, everyone was eating and I very well couldn't sit there and not eat, it would have been too obvious. So I ate some chicken, candied yams, and a piece of cornbread. I got really small servings on my plate and only ate half of what I got so I don't think I did too bad, maybe 400 calories? I don't know I'm not good at judging food for calories, but I couldn't have eaten enough food to go over any substantial amount of calories, so I still did pretty good today.

This weekend is going to be hard, Im going home for the weekend and my parents always love to shove food down my throat and go out to eat. It will be hard resisting =/ I guess ill do what I always do when I know Im going to be around food I can't resist, OD on coffee and take an adderall.

Not only is it going to be hard this weekend, its going to be hard this season! Fall always makes me crave those pumpkin spice lattes, and cookies and everything bad for me =/

but I know I can do it. I have control.

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 02:20:09 GMT

I DONT REMEMBER HOW TO WORK THIS THING. it's so frustrating.

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 01:50:53 GMT

I had one of these a long time ago, about 3 or 4 years ago. I really forgot how therapeutic it was for me to write everything down, so here it goes.

I am a sophomore at NC State, and until recently I loved it, but I hate it. Not the school necessarily, but everything else. I am growing apart from the few friends that I came up here with from high school, my roommate already has a best friend so they are always together. I guess making friends last year was never that important to me because I figured I had 3 best friends already. Mistake.

I've always been on the verge of anorexia, I was really bad when I was a sophomore in high school, I also was really depressed. But I joined a different group of friends who made me really happy, so once I was happy, i felt stupid for starving myself and I became normal again. Then throughout high school when ever I would get spouts of depression I would instantly regress to my anorexic days. This usually happened once a semester, I would lose about 10 lbs because it would never last [when I had it really bad I had lost 20 lbs and was 100 lbs].

But now this is different. My life is out of control. I have been starving myself again for the past two weeks and already lost 5 lbs. I binged today, which is normal in the beginning and usually the binges come less and less often until I hit full blown anorexia. I started going crazy with cravings so I hate some chinese food and a bowl of cereal. Before I ate anything, I was starting to have serious doubts about whether or not I wanted to do this. I was walking to class and I saw this skinny girl eating skittles, and I thought to myself, I want to be the skinny girl who can eat candy and not feel guilty, I want to be the girl who can eat whatever she wants and just work out and have her life be fine. I don't want to be the girl who has to suffer and starve all the time and constantly obsess about food.

Then I ate.

Now that I am completely full, I realize in a sick way, I DO want to be the girl that starves herself. When I don't eat, I am in control. I know this is totally cliche and a bit psycho, but it's almost reassuring, or comforting when I starve, it's the only bit of control I feel all day, and I feel proud of myself when I can go a day and only consume 100 calories. I love that feeling. When I eat, I feel overwhelmed and I can't deal with it. When I eat, my worries are studying and making good grades and law school and midterms and homework, and when I don't eat, even though the rest of those things are still there, I only have one worry, and that's what I am or am not going to eat that day, and I like only having one thing to worry about. The rest just sort of fades away.

I guess that's all I have to say today.